The Kind People

Act 1

Scene 1

Inside policeman's apartment. Alarm clock sounds.

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Son?

POLICEMAN

(in his underwear)

Yes, Mom.

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Are you off for work?

POLICEMAN

(brushes his teeth in haste, unclear)

Yes, Mom.

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Put on your blue jacket. Blue color helps the brain to work more efficiently.

POLICEMAN

(puts on the uniform shirt)

Ok, I'll put on the blue jacket and will be a genius like Einstein. It's a pity there are no apple trees on my crossroads .

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

That's right. Open the refrigerator and get some apples with you. And don't eat the red tomatoes. People say they are now grown on satellites.

POLICEMAN

Mom, what are you saying!

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Our neighbor (remember her? the one that died the day before yesterday) has told me me. Before death she gained twenty pounds. The aliens kidnapped her and fed her only tomatoes.

POLICEMAN

(laughs so hard that he start coughing)

Far out Mom! Red tomatoes menace from the aliens in the orbit.

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Why do you cough? Did you catch a cold?

POLICEMAN

I am okay, Mom. Don't worry.

MOTHER'S VOICE (off)

Brew the linseed tea, fill the thermos bottle and take it with you. Drink a cup every three hours.

POLICEMAN

(puts on shoes)

Sorry, Mum, have to run. If the chief of police sends me to watch over a space crosswalk, I'll stop by and get the thermos with linseed tea before going. Bye. I'll call you later.

(He leaves in a huff, singing “ America ! America ! God shed His grace on thee”)*.

* “ America , the Beautiful” song by Samuel ward, lyrics by Katharine Lee Bates

Scene 2

Street walkway. VEGETABLE VENDOR (maybe, a recent Korean immigrant) hoses the red tomatoes in the box.

POLICEMAN

Hello, early bird.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(He speaks with a strong accent and makes many mistakes)

Hello officer police. Me no break law.

POLICEMAN

I want to ask you about our neighbor. The one that died day before yesterday. Did she buy any red tomatoes from you?

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Okay, okay, me not know who sale.

POLICEMAN

You are a microbe of the street disorder. People are at risk on this walkway. You don't leave them enough space.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Okay, okay, me sale clean tomato, see.

(Starts hosing tomatoes again).

POLICEMAN

Okay, okay… I'm telling you. Get the boxes out of the way.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

A little may?

POLICEMAN

By the law.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Me like law, me sends tax decoration.

POLICEMAN

That's good. Now get your boxes out of the way.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Me good to agree.

(VEGETABLE VENDOR lifts up the box of tomatoes. Policeman nods approvingly, goes away. VEGETABLE VENDOR puts the box down at the same place.)

Scene 3

Outside of the open garage doors. DRIVER does weightlifting with a tire. GIRL is jogging by, she looks at the DRIVER with interest. DRIVER waves his hand at her fast and barely catches the tire in time.

DRIVER

Hey, I see you like my equipment.

GIRL

(Smiling, she likes the DRIVER)

This is good. (She slows down and jogs in place)

DRIVER

(Pleasantly)

I understand, you shouldn't stop right now. Maybe you are free tonight? Stop by and I'll show you some good exercises.

GIRL

(Smiling but still jogging)

With two tires on a bar?

DRIVER

(Laughing)

Ha-ha-ha. (Seriously) It's really a good exercise.

GIRL

I don't know...

DRIVER

(Makes a body-builder's pose imitation, still holding the tire)

Do you like these? You can get them too.

GIRL

(Smiling)

You are funny. (Starts running away)

  DRIVER

(Stretching his arm toward GIRL)

Wait a se… (tire hits him on the head, falls down and rolls at the GIRL, he jumps after it, catches the tire and falls down with it) Wait a second!

GIRL

(Concerned)

Are you all right? (Stops jogging and helps him up)

DRIVER

Thanks, I'm OK. Sorry I scared you. Some athlete I am, clumsy like that (smiles sheepishly) .

GIRL

(At first serious, then suddenly smiles too)

Ha-ha-ha, that's real funny. But hey, you are a hero. (Laughs, then pulls out a card and a pen, scribbles down a phone number and gives the card to DRIVER) Talk to you later. Bye. (Jogs away)

DRIVER

(Seriously)

I'll call you.

(He follows her with his eyes and sing Elvis' Only you. Then he gets inside.)

Scene 4

Inside the design studio that is also an apartments. AESTHETE stands near the tank with a pink tarantula.

AESTHETE

You are looking good today, Jackie. (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

And I feel like I am broken to pieces. Absolutely broken. (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

Why? Nightmares were torturing me all night. (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

My heart was frozen, my soul changed into a cut-ice statue. She was splendid like Eternity, and she was dreadful like Death himself.

AESTHETE ( off )

She was transparent and clear, Jackie, like glass of your tank. Thunderbolt fell and broke the statue. Thunderbolt broke my heart into smithereens. The pieces were falling and singing, and this song was delicate and sorrowful. But the wind began wailing like mad, and it tortured the pieces of my heart and took them away to unknown mysterious land. And they bled, and the blood was on my hands.

AESTHETE

You see, Jackie, my hands… covered with blood…

Phone rings.

AESTHETE

(Gives a start, then talks irritably)

What a vulgar world! Such a coarse people!

AESTHETE

(Talks in a sweet voice)

Toilet Design Studio Bowl-Bowl Modern. How can I help you? (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

Certainly, our most popular model is Night Fancy in delicate but erotic style. It has a red bowl formed as an open mouth, and you can choose color for teeth and throat. Interesting, wouldn't you agree? (Listens for the answer) No? (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

Then I can recommend our new model in contemporary American style. It's called Bird's Nest and comes with a rotating seat. This model has a remote control, you can change Contoured Seat Height and rotation speed. Very interesting, I'm sure? (Listens for the answer) No? (Listens for the answer)

AESTHETE

Pardon me? Say again? (Listens for the answer) Of course. (Listens for the answer) You want just a dull regular model with a thirty-minutes delivery? This is impossible. (Listens for the answer) Do you say emergency situation? What sort of emergency? (Listens for the answer) I see. Usually we deliver within three days, but for you I will try to deliver it tomorrow. (Listens for the answer) What's that? How much? Okay, okay, I'll delivery it myself right now. What's the address? (Listens for the answer) I'll call you when I get there.

AESTHETE

You see, Jackie! What a coarse people.

(He goes away, singing Le veau d'or est toujours debout* He stand toilet at carriage and lock the door of the store).

* Aria of Mephistopheles from Charles Gounod opera Faust

Scene 5

On the street. AESTHETE rolls the handcart with toilet. He is full of himself and don't pay attention to where he goes. The handcart hits the box with tomatoes. The box breaks. The tomatoes fall on the walkway, some of them roll down the road. AESTHETE doesn't notice anything, continues to walk pushing the cart. VEGETABLE VENDOR picks up a few tomatoes, looks perplexedly at them.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(Starts running after Aesthete)

Stop! Hey! Me pay who? Me lose every thing!

Act 2

Scene 1

POLICEMAN stands on the ramp at the crosswalk. There is steady red light.

AESTHETE

Excuse me, I need to cross.

POLICEMAN

(doesn't move)

So?

AESTHETE

Pardon me, you are preventing me from doing it.

POLICEMAN

The law always prevents crooks from their shady dealings.

AESTHETE

Excuse me, but I have to pass here.

POLICEMAN

I have to stand here.

AESTHETE

This man just called me. He has an emergency. He needs my help.

POLICEMAN

Only stupid people call friends for help in emergency. He must call his local police or 911 and tell them about his problems.

AESTHETE

Excuse me, I don't have time for this discussion. I am in a great hurry. Please, move aside just a little.

POLICEMAN

Oh, just go, will yah?

  (POLICEMAN steps back without looking, stumbles, slips on a tomato and falls down).

Go to hell!

AESTHETE

This is not very polite of you.

(He steps on the crosswalk, Makes a few steps, the light switches to steady red).

Oh, hell! Now it's the red light again!

Scene 2

The VEGETABLE VENDOR with tomatoes in hands comes to the same crosswalk.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Stop! Hey! Tomato!

AESTHETE

(to VEGETABLE VENDOR)

Thank you, but I don't need any tomatoes.

(The light switches to green. AESTHETE steps on the crosswalk, makes a few steps. VEGETABLE VENDOR catches his handcart, pulls it back on the walkway. AESTHETE returns).

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Tomato! Yours fall!

POLICEMAN

(to both)

Help me!

(AESTHETE and VEGETABLE VENDOR help to rise to one's feet. POLICEMAN stands up.)

My mother told me morning that the red tomatoes are dangerous. I should've listened to her.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Okay, okay, mine red tomato! Yours fall!

AESTHETE

(to POLICEMAN)

Help me please. This person harasses me.

(to VEGETABLE VENDOR)

Excuse me, but I don't eat tomatoes, they slow down my metabolism.

(AESTHETE pulls the cart out of VEGETABLE VENDOR's hands, the cart runs over POLICEMAN's foot).

POLICEMAN

Ouch! My foot's crushed.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to POLICEMAN)

Okay, okay!

  (to AESTHETE)

Ouch, red tomato crushed!

AESTHETE

(to POLICEMAN)

This is awful.

POLICEMAN

(makes a face)

Move the hell away with your cart! Oh, it hurts.

AESTHETE

(AESTHETE agrees with POLICEMAN, nods, and leans his elbows on his cart).

Such a coarse people!

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Tomato crush! Pay!

AESTHETE

(to VEGETABLE VENDOR)

Excuse me, I will not pay for any tomatoes. I don't want them.

POLICEMAN

(to AESTHETE, pulling the cart off his foot)

You will pay for this!

AESTHETE

(to both)

I see, you are in a conspiracy against me. You are Mafia. Very well!

  (to VEGETABLE VENDOR).

Take this!

(gives a dollar bill to VEGETABLE VENDOR. The light switches to green. AESTHETE steps on the crosswalk, makes a few steps).

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Stop! Hey! Pay more! Me lose everything!

Scene 3

(The light switches to steady red. DRIVER in the car appears at the crosswalk. DRIVER steps on gas, and then suddenly brakes to avoid hitting AESTHETE).

DRIVER

(opening window, to AESTHETE)

Get outta the way, you idiot!

AESTHETE

(to DRIVER)

Excuse me. Can't you see I'm crossing here?!

DRIVER

(to AESTHETE)

Well get the lead outta your ass! The light is green!

VEGETABLE VENDOR

Red.

DRIVER

Another idiotic protector. Get outta the way, both of you!

(DRIVER is trying to pass. POLICEMAN being limping on the right leg comes to the car).

POLICEMAN

(to all)

All of you, free the pass way right away.

(DRIVER steps on gas, AESTHETE starts with a jerk, VEGETABLE VENDOR runs after AESTHETE. The car skids on a bunch of red tomatoes and swings sharply, hitting the cart, the toilet falls. POLICEMAN jumps out of the way, but slips on a tomato and falls. Toilet hits him on the head. POLICEMAN is out. DRIVER turns off the engine).

  VEGETABLE VENDOR

Me horror.

DRIVER

(opens car door)

Shit! Now what should I do?

AESTHETE

(to DRIVER, pointing at the ruined toilet)

Excuse me, you must pay me for this.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Me pay, need pay.

DRIVER

(to both)

I ain't gonna pay.

(Tries to turn on the engine, but can't).

AESTHETE

(to VEGETABLE VENDOR, pointing at the POLICEMAN).

Look at this. We need to raise his head and unclench his teeth so he doesn't suffocates. Do you have something?

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Red.

AESTHETE

(to VEGETABLE VENDOR)

Good. That's all that is needed.

(AESTHETE raises the POLICEMAN's head, puts it on the broken toilet, opens POLICEMAN's mouth and puts the red tomato between his teeth).

Act 3

Scene 1

Two tourists approach the crosswalk. One of them holds a camera. They speak with a strong German accent.

FIRST TOURIST

(talk in German )Etwas stimmt nicht mit der junger Mann. ( talk in English) What happens? Where is the police officer?

AESTHETE

(scared, to tourists)

On the toilet.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(scared, to tourists)

Officer rest little, snap crack pop red tomato.

DRIVER

(scared, to tourists, trying to read from the logo on the broken toilet)

We are the managers of Toilet Design Studio.

(to AESTHETE)

Quick, tell the name of our company.

AESTHETE

(scared, to tourists, stuttering)

Bbbbowl-Bbbbowl Mmmmo-o-o-odern.

DRIVER

(to tourists)

You see. Bbbbowl-Bbbbowl Mmmmo-o-o-odern. And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, we are making a street presentation of our outstanding products with the local police cooperation.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Red tomato.

DRIVER

(to tourists)

May I present you our chief stunts producer?

SECOND TOURIST

Speak slower, please. I don't understand the American humor. Entschuldigen Sie, where is police officer?

DRIVER

(to tourists)

Where are you from?

FIRST TOURIST

I am from Germany .

AESTHETE

(to tourists)

How do you like it here in America ?

FIRST TOURIST

I like it very much here. But for the time being, I have a lot of problems. Where is the police officer?

DRIVER

(to tourists)

Have you come with your family?

FIRST TOURIST

No. We are colleagues.

DRIVER

(to tourists)

How interesting!

SECOND TOURIST

Yes, very interesting. The color solution is very interesting – look at this grey concrete, white toilet, deep blue jacket and bright red tomatoes. Such a hidden energy! Get me camera, please.

(Second tourist runs around the whole scene with the camera, taking all possible and impossible shots)

FIRST TOURIST

Make close-up shoots! Such rich characters! Such a horrible scene! Charming! Lovely!

(Second tourist takes close-ups of everybody)

DRIVER

(to AESTHETE and VEGETABLE VENDOR.)

This is big trouble.

( DRIVER tries to start the car, but he doesn't succeed again ).

DRIVER

(to AESTHETE and VEGETABLE VENDOR.)

Help me. You must get him in the car. Do you want to spent tonight in a cage? I don't. I'm meeting a girl of my dreams tonight

AESTHETE

(to DRIVER)

You are break my heart into pieces.

DRIVER

(ti AESTHETE)

I can guarantee you that in prison you will have not only a heart broken, they'll break your ass and ball too.

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to AESTHETE)

Go. Me prison no go. Me five children starve death.

AESTHETE

(to tourists)

Our company is trying to extend sales to the international markets. We are glad to greet you as our first customers.

(following the wedding ritual)

Dear tourists, you are both charged today with the responsibility. Savor the excitement, relish and learn from the quiet times, and accept the occasional storm with grace and understanding. And on behalf of absent friends, and the company assembled here, we all do heartily wish you many prosperous and happy voyages together. Are you ready to exchange the symbols of friendship and international relations? Then bring up the car and the camera.

SECOND TOURIST

What car?

FIRST TOURIST

What car?

DRIVER

What car?

AESTHETE

(to tourist)

Hand the camera to our director, and he will present our company car to you.

DRIVER

What car?

AESTHETE

(to DRIVER)

Your car. Or maybe you want to go to prison?

(to tourists)

Dear tourists, do you accept this man as a representative of Bowl-Bowl Modern company? If so, please say I do.

FIRST TOURISTS, SECONFD TOURIST

( together )

I do.

AESTHETE

(to DRIVER)

Dear DRIVER, as a representative of Bowl-Bowl Modern company foreign affairs department, do you accept these tourists to be your international partners? If so, please say I do.

DRIVER

She is waiting for me. Oh! Oh, I do.

(Gives the keys to the car to the FIRST TOURIST. AESTHETE takes the camera from the second tourist.)

VEGETABLE VENDOR

(to tourists)

Good friendship me like mine present red tomatoes.

AESTHETE

(to tourists)

Good bye, dear partners. It was a great pleasure meeting you. Now we must hurry to present these wonderful news to our President. Our stunt man will keep you company.

DRIVER

(to AESTHETE)

You will pay for this!

(DRIVER, AESTHETE and VEGETABLE VENDOR leave).

Scene 2

(Inside the car, tourists talk in German)

FIRST TOURIST

And you didn't want to go to America . Look at this. What a fantastic thing! What a fantastic perspective!

SECOND TOURIST

Yes! What a kind, beautiful people! But where we can find the police officer?

POLICEMAN

Aliens?!

2007, June 9